Category Archives: Affirmation

Having Your Passion Acknowledged

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My youngest has always had a creative side to him. When he was younger, he’d sit in his room and write, and write, and write. When he shared what he was working on, he’d essentially written several TV episodes, a season or twos worth. It was a story line he had in his head that he just had to get out on paper.

While very impressive, when I tried reading the dialogue and tried to understand what was going on, it was hard to follow. I told this to me son (gently), and he understood saying what connected things (stage direction, narration, cues) was in this head.

He has been in theatre for the past several years. His school has a well respected program that teaches students not only to act, but do set production, tech crew, be a playwright, producer, and more. They really help prepare all students interested in pursuing this field.

He took a play writing course in the Spring. He and his peers submitted their plays, which included stage direction, narration, and acting cues that he’d previously left out (or been unaware of how to integrate into his TV episodes years earlier). All submissions (approx. 16) were handed in and then a brief segment acted out from each during a playwright’s workshop. They announced at the workshop they’d select around half the shows to be performed (in full) in the Fall showcase. My son was excited to submit his play, see part of it acted out then, with hopes of having his script being selected and the entire play come to life in the Fall show.

The beginning of school brought new hope and anxiety for my youngest — a new grade with harder classes, and waiting to see if his script was picked for the Fall show. Thankfully within the first two weeks of school they made the announcement. I was anxiously awaiting his arrival home the day he would find out. “Well, did your show get picked?,” I asked. He acted disappointed, and while I’d prepared for this scenario, there was something about his body language that clued me into him trying to trick me into thinking it hadn’t, when it had. “Your play got picked didn’t it?” I said. After a pause and one last attempt to make a sad face, his mouth broke into a wide smile. “Yes! They announced my play last! I was sure I wasn’t going to get picked.” He beamed. You could see how much this meant to him. It validated his passion, and his work (and the love he’d put into it). This acknowledgment made my son practically burst with pride and his capabilities. I couldn’t have been prouder, or happier for him.

He has been walking on air a bit since the announcement. It’s been a confidence boost to him. He now is starting to think like a director, producer, and playwright — wanting to work with the director (a fellow student (as no playwright directs their own show) — to ensure his vision for the show is realized. I’m excited for him.

It’s not often in life we get positive reinforcement doing the things we love. The acknowledgment is helping my son come into his own — realizing he does have talents (beyond what mom, dad, and close family and friends tell him). It’s a gift when this happens. Rare and wonderful.

What is your child’s passion? How has it been acknowledged?

Your Attention, Please

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When was the last time you felt ignored?

With the school year coming to a close there is much going on. Our oldest is graduating and preparing for what comes beyond, our youngest in the school play and planning out how he’d like to spend his time over summer break.

My youngest got upset with me when I told him one evening we’d need him to walk to school the following morning (something he does often, but his preference is to get a ride). With his father, I, and his brother working, and only 2 cars, we are often coordinating on who has which car when. The next afternoon I saw my son and asked how his day was. He pretended to ignore me. I asked again. He continued to ignore me. “Are you ignoring me?”, I asked. I small momentary smile crept into his lips, then the straight face returned. “Why are you ignoring me?,” I asked. He stood up and went into his room. The only thing I could think of was me having him walk to school. He could be upset about that if he needed to be.

I didn’t get much out of him that day which was odd, because he’s more of a talker than his older brother. The next day I was ignored again, asking the same questions and not sure why he was doing it. Was this really over him having to walk to school? I went into his bedroom and he continued to try to ignore until I started trying to tickle his feet (laughter, in my opinion, can sometimes break the mood and get the kids to open up. Jokes, in these situations don’t work, tickling does). He started laughing and squirming his feet away for me. “Mom!” followed by laughter, “Mom, stop!” I stopped. “Then tell me why you’re ignoring me,” I said. He went quiet, but was smiling and walked out of the room towards where our family computer is. “Just tell me what’s going on,” I asked.

He sat down at the computer and when he saw me not leaving he paused and said, “well, if I’m going to be honest, it feels like you’ve been ignoring me lately.” This stunned me. I couldn’t think of where this was coming from but needed to hear him out. “What makes you say that?,” I said. “Well, I know you’re really busy but it doesn’t feel like you’ve been listening to me, or you’re bored when I’m talking to you.” Again, I racked my brain trying to think of when I may have done this. I attempted to briefly defend myself. “What are you talking about? I was the front-of-house stage parent for the show two times last week, I’ve taken you to your appointments…” I stopped. Yes, I did these things, but he said he felt ignored. “Can you give me some examples of when I ignored you?,” I asked hoping he could. “I don’t know, we just haven’t been talking as much and it feels like (older brother) is getting more attention.” I was still perplexed, but acknowledged his feelings, apologized, and empowered him to call me out when he felt I wasn’t paying attention to him.

I discussed it later with my husband. “Do you think this is jealousy?” I asked. My husband thought it might be that we’ve been giving our oldest more positive affirmation in front of his brother, not to make anyone feel better or worse, but it was when the opportunity presented itself. Our oldest for several years kept conversation to a minimum at the dinner table and left as soon as he could. This has changed since he started his senior year (maybe realizing this family time is drawing to a close) and he has been more talkative and engaging at dinner, not always wanting to leave at the first given chance. Hence we’ve had more discussions with and about things going on with him (and including listening to, guiding, challenging him (to think, reflect), and positive affirmation).

It was a good conversation to have with my youngest and my husband. I still believe I am giving my youngest as much attention as I always have, but realize there is more focus and celebration on my oldest with his upcoming graduation. Now that I’m aware based on my youngest being willing to share (I’m often in awe of his emotional intelligence and his ability to communicate his feelings) I know I need to pay better attention to him, and really every member of our family.

Has your child ever ignored you? How did you handle it?

MVP

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Who hasn’t dreamed of being a MVP?

My oldest took on a community project that ended up being more than he realized. With a lot of input from his father and I, other mentors, and community leaders he figured out what he needed to do and how to get the large task done.

His grandfather learned of his grandson’s project and wanted to be part of his work crew. He considered it a “bucket list” item that he’d treasure — getting to accomplish something with him. The work was grueling — hot sun, and a smallish work crew. Grandpa let my son lead, it was his project, but gave him pointers throughout — if you’re going to do something do it right, you want to look back and be proud of your work; and don’t cut corners — it ends up costing you more wasted time (and possibly money and energy) in the end. My oldest took what his grandfather said to heart, particularly when they were supposed to finish the job in four days, but weren’t going to meet the milestone.

My son said he felt defeated and wallowed in things not going according to plan, from a timeline perspective. When another adult asked, “what are you going to do?,” since time was up but the project not finished. “I’m going to work until it’s finished,” my son replied.

He and his granddad went back on the fifth day, recruited a few new crew members and finished the work. They were worn out. My son come home and joined us outside for dinner. His grandfather came out a few minutes later. My son chanted, “MVP, MVP, MVP,” to his grandad. Clearly my son felt his grandfather played a winning role in helping him get his project done. It might have been a bucket list item for his grandfather, but it will be a wonderful memory my son will carry throughout his life.

How are you (or other family members) helping your child/kid/teen achieve their goals?

Modeling Love

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As parents we model what loves looks like for our kids.

My husband isn’t romantic by nature, which is surprising because he father appears to be so with his mother (skip a generation perhaps 😂), but he is committed to our relationship even when it’s tough.

My husband and I have had to learn to communicate, even when hard and uncomfortable, to stay together and better connect. The discomfort and unease was hard at first, but when you see your spouse is willing to listen to you and work to communicate in a way that supports and nurtures the relationship and you do the same, growth happens. Stronger bonds form.

I do reflect on how our children view our relationship (guess we’ll have to ask them), and what they take from it. They definitely see us disagree and get frustrated with each other, but they see us apologize or make amends. They see us show modest affection (a kiss goodbye or hand holding). We want to model that relationships take work, but are worth it.

Our youngest wears his heart on his sleeve, I don’t worry about him expressing his emotions. Our oldest doubles down and only on rare occasions expresses them though we encourage him to do so more often. I do wonder when he braves his first relationship what it will be like.

On Valentine’s Day, love is in the air. What kind of love / relationship are you modeling for your child?

I will be away next week enjoying the long weekend and back later this month.

Dress to Impress

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At what age did you become conscientious at the clothes you wore?

For me, it was probably middle school. I cared about clothes — wanting to look nice — probably as early as kindergarten, but middle school it went to a whole new level. I became concerned about what my clothes said about me — did I come off as cool, lame, trying too hard, not trying hard enough, etc. Add that I wasn’t petite or small by any stretch just compounded the issue.

Thankfully, I have boys, and while all boys are different my sons haven’t had much interest in what others think of their outfits. My oldest can be found most days rain, shine, hot, cold, and anything in between in a hoodie and sports shorts. My youngest likes graphic tees, but only when they highlight his interests.

On the first day of school, my youngest put thought into his outfit. He wasn’t so concerned with his appearance as he was with letting people know he has an interest in transit. He was adorned head to toe in all things metro/subway. He knew it was overkill, but wanted to do it, in hopes others would engage with him on the topic. He came home disappointed. We asked if he got any feedback on his outfit and he said he didn’t. I asked him what he thought others were most concerned about the first day of school. He said, “themselves,” as he sighed and rolled his eyes knowing it was the truth. “Give it more time. You keep wearing it (as he has many pieces to choose from) and people will eventually notice.” He knew that, but was still disappointed. I can understand. You try to get affirmation or acknowledgement from others, and do not always get it. Especially when you are seeking it in a covert way. I reminded him to just be himself. People are getting adjusted to new classes, teachers, and peers, and he’ll find his group (be them transit enthusiasts or otherwise) before he knows it.

What does your child/teen do to connect with others?

Love Languages

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How do you show others you love them?

We were having dinner, discussing how our days went. I asked my sons if either of them had learned anything new or interesting at school. My youngest shared that in his math class, his teacher had added what love languages are. My son’s school is all about equipping boys academically and emotionally so hearing the teacher added this following the lesson wasn’t shocking, but a pleasant surprise.

“What did you learn?,” I asked. “Well,” my son replied, “we learned about love languages and different ways you show others love.” “What are they?” I asked. I’ve read Gary Chapman’s work about love languages before, but was curious to hear what my son would share. “There’s quality time, where you are present with the other person. There’s gifting, and well, that’s obvious. There’s touch, which can mean being close, holding hands, etc.” His older brother decided to leave the table at this point — the talk of intimacy was making him uncomfortable (though unclear if it was the content or discussing it in front of mom and dad 😊). My youngest continued, “words of affirmation, and gifts of service, you know doing something for the other person.”

I was impressed that my son was so knowledgeable in the area of showing others love. Though I shouldn’t be, as his school has made it a point to arm their students with this information. It is a gift when your teen knows about healthy relationships and armed with clarity around different ways we show each other love so he can avoid some of the common pitfalls (not or mis-understanding what’s going on, misinterpret, and hurt or be hurt), so he can have healthy relationships with others. I would have benefited greatly myself if I’d been given this information at his age.

How are you modeling what love is for your child? How are you helping them grow their emotional intelligence so they experience healthy relationships with others?

I will be off next week spending time with family, and will be back at the end of the month.