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A Big Thumbs Up!

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I received a note from my son’s teacher a little over a week. It read, “You need to talk to your son about what using the middle finger means.” The note startled me. We don’t use “the middle finger” in our family and haven’t talked about it with our children because we haven’t had to to this point. I responded to the teacher’s letter to gain a better understanding of how the middle finger came up. Can you give me some context behind how my son used his middle finger? Was he using it as a gesture? Or was he copying someone else? The teacher replied, “He was pointing at something with his middle finger when one of his classmates said, “that means the “F” word”, to which your son replied, “what’s wrong with the word “finger”?” Oh, the fact that he said “finger” made me smile like I haven’t smiled in a while. I celebrated inside. Yes, I thought, he still doesn’t know what the “F” word is!

Regardless, my husband and I needed to explain what certain hand gestures mean. I wasn’t ready, nor do I anticipate being ready any time soon, to discuss four-letter-words with our kids. I know I can’t avoid this forever, but I want to delay it as long as possible. Instead we talked about the meaning of using different fingers.

Working with our son we determined the following:

  • A thumb(s) up means good job or I agree
  • Pointing your index finger means I’m talking about you (we cautioned that most people do not like to be pointed at) or I want you to look at what I’m pointing at (see what I see)
  • Using your middle finger means I’m really angry with you or I really don’t like what you just did (we cautioned that it is always better to talk to someone if you are upset with them and to avoid using your middle finger to express how you feel at all costs. My experience, you significantly increase your chances of a physical confrontation when you use your middle finger vs. your words)
  • Using your ring finger doesn’t mean anything
  • Using your pinky finger (e.g. holding it out when you drink from a cup) means fancy

My son really liked the idea of using your pinky to communicate fancy. He didn’t seem to be interested in using or talking about his middle finger at all.

I cherish my children’s innocence and appreciate the opportunity my husband and I have been given to help them learn about ways people communicate in nice and not-so-nice ways. I realize their innocence won’t last forever, but will take it for as long as I can.

F is quickly becoming my new favorite letter. What’s not to like – it’s the first letter in fabulous, Friday, fancy, fun and FINGER.

I’ll give that a “thumbs-up” any day!

How have you addressed gestures and curse words with your child?

Reaching Your Full Potential

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My boys are big fans of Cartoon Network’s Ninjago. The story follows four ninja as they train, taught by their master Sensei Wu, in order to defeat the great Lord Garmadon. The Lego minifigures—Cole, Kai, Jay and Zane—was what first drew my sons in.  My husband and I have found there are actually some pretty good lessons Sensei Wu teaches his young apprentices in the series—to appreciate differences, appreciate what you have, and to work hard to reach your full potential.

As a parent, I certainly want my children to appreciate differences, appreciate what they have, and reach their full potential, but often think how do my husband and I do that?  For me, it starts with having a plan that captures what you want to teach your child (e.g., values, morals, beliefs, experiences, etc.). While my husband and I had similar upbringings (two parents, small town upbringing, etc.) we didn’t have identical ones. When I was pregnant we both thought about things we wanted to incorporate from our own upbringings and things we didn’t (I think this is common for many new parents or parents-to-be to do). We took it a step further and wrote down things we wanted to teach our children and things we didn’t independent of each other and then compared notes. That’s how we started our plan.

The plan is dynamic and will change as our children grow and as we grow as parents. It requires inspection—are our children learning appreciation, for example.  If so, how?  If not, what do we need to change?  Our busy lives can leave us a bit drained at the end of each day, and weekends can feel like “catch up” time for all the things we weren’t able to get to during the week.  I find that I have to carve out time to ensure I am able to evaluate, with my husband, how we are doing in our parenting journey. Most nights we find some time after the kids have gone down. It takes work, it takes thought and it takes commitment.

While I want my children to reach their full potential and appreciate their talents whether they come to them naturally or they work hard to gain them. I want to reach my full potential as an individual, and as their parent. It’s hard to conceive that achieving that goal is possible, but I’m not going to stop trying. Thankfully I don’t have to master my skills to defeat an evil dark lord, but I do need to master my skills gain confidence in myself, and in my parenting journey.

How are you helping your child reach their full potential?  How are you reaching yours?

And the Winner is…

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My oldest son recently entered a drawing contest that was being held at my husband’s office. He drew a picture depicting what he thought my husband and his co-workers did each day. Last week we found out our son had been awarded the 1st place prize for his submission.  When my husband told our son the good news, our son showed a mixture of surprise and disbelief (I won?), and then the biggest smile came across his face. Cheers and hugs followed. We were very proud and excited he was acknowledged for his work.

Seeing my son’s reaction to winning the contest reminded me of the Oscars, and watching the winner take the stage to accept their statue exhibiting surprise and glee. The Oscars will be held later today and many of us will be eagerly watching to see who wins one of these prestigious awards. It’s easy to get taken in by the Oscars, the clothes, the jewelry, the glitter and celebrity. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?

I think about the commitment, sacrifice and choices each actor has made to be nominated. Prior to having children, I would have told you I could dedicate myself and make any sacrifices needed for my career. After having children I could not say the same. I think regardless of the sacrifice and dedication we have for a job, be it a professional job, being a parent, volunteering, etc., we ultimately desire recognition for our work. We crave being told we’re doing a good job. It makes us feel good, it reinforces all the hard work we’ve done, and also helps inspire us to go on (Keep up the good work!).

While I wish I had the talent for acting that the nominees have, I realize that I don’t, and my chances of going to the Oscars are very low. I do, however, see parallels between the actors and me. We both have worked hard, and both hope to be recognized for our work.

In lieu of an Oscar, I’ll take a hug or an “I love you” from my kids as a job well done. As a parent, it’s all the recognition I need.

What makes you feel like you’ve won?

Wooden Teeth and Honesty

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As we observe President’s Day this Monday, we are reminded of some of our most famous forefathers, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. When I was a child I knew a handful of things about George Washington:

  • He chopped down a cherry tree – I never thought to inquire why?
  • He never told a lie
  • He was our first president
  • He had wooden teeth – I did wonder how did he eat with wooden teeth? That sounded like a really hard thing to do.

As a child I knew the following about Abraham Lincoln:

  • He wore a tall hat and had an interesting looking beard
  • He was honest
  • He freed the slaves
  • He is on the penny – I never thought about what it took for someone to end up on currency. My child’s mind determined you had to be highly respected. My parents definitely instilled the belief that there is a direct correlation between honesty and respect.

As I reflect on our past and present leaders I think about the role they have played in leading our country and the example they set for our children. We are brought up to respect these leader, they were wise, their names are synonymous with honest and being truthful, and they were people to respect. They may not have been perfect (they chopped down a cherry tree), but they do try their best (they never lied or at least we’d like to believe they didn’t), they could handle difficult situations (be the first president, eat with wooden teeth, liberate oppressed citizens), and did a good enough job to end up on the money we spend today. We are reminded daily, when we pay cash for something, of their accomplishments and our continued respect for them.

Of course, as adults we realize our presidents, while great in many ways, were fallible. It reminds us as parents that we too may be great in many ways to our children, but that’s not the whole story. As parents we make choices in how we conduct ourselves and are role models for our children – we’re not perfect (none of us are), we try our best (but we make mistakes), we all handle difficult situations (its part of life) and while we’ll likely never end up doing anything that will make us famous or end up on a coin or paper bill, we do have the opportunity to be trustworthy and respected by our friends, family and peers, but most importantly by our kids.

Think about what it would be like for your children to honor you every day as an adult, by the way they treat others, the way they conduct themselves; all as a result of the example you set.

A President may lead the country, but you lead something even more valuable–the raising of your child. And that’s the honest truth. Happy Presidents Day.

The Super Bowl – A Family Affair

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The Harbaugh family is giving new meaning to the Super Bowl being a family affair. Sons John and Jim will face each other as opposing head coaches in the Super Bowl later today. Their parents have shared their joy in their sons making it to this pinnacle event and their awareness that one son will win and the other will lose—a difficult situation for any parent to wrestle with.

What is infectious about their story to me has little to do with the Super Bowl today, but their openness about how much they want each other to succeed, how much they admire and respect each other, and how much they love each other.

I’ll be watching the game this Sunday with my own family. I’m expecting the game to be interesting, the commercials entertaining, and time with my family fulfilling. The Harbaugh’s story is an inspiring one. It’s a story about the love of the game, and a love for each other. What a great example they are setting for us all.

Go Harbaughs!

Hope through great sadness

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I had my weekly blog written several days ago and was prepared to post it this morning prior to the tragic events that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary on Friday morning. It’s hard to know what to say when something like this happens. For a large majority of us the world stopped for a while on Friday. A wave of grief came over us for the children and their families involved in the tragic events. It is impossible to comprehend and will never ever make sense what would drive someone to do this.

The holiday season is a time of hope. Hope for seeing the best in each other, and hope for what’s possible. My hope was suspended momentarily on Friday. It’s starting to return, as I see communities coming together, reaching out to each other; to discuss what happened; share our sadness and anger; and discuss possible solutions to avoid something the like happening in the future.

I hope one day violence isn’t the solution for resolving an issue. I’d prefer a world without guns, but in the absence of that hope we will finally figure out how to allow people to bear arms without endangering law-abiding citizens. I hope we will figure out as a nation how to work together as one and solve our problems together.  I hope we will learn how to take better care of each other physically, mentally and emotionally.

I still feel great sadness over the situation in Sandy Hook and probably will for some time to come. But the holiday season is about hope, and I grateful to be feeling a glimmer of it again.

3-2-1 Lift Off

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When I was growing up in Florida, hearing the news of a space shuttle launch and being able to see and experience one, even from afar, was always pretty special. Such great care and attention to detail went into every launch. If there were anything amiss, any detail that could put the crew or mission in jeopardy, the launch would be delayed or aborted altogether.

This past weekend I orchestrated a launch of my own, for my book  Ten Simple Tools for No Regrets Parenting. This launch brought its own intense preparation and attention to detail.  I hosted the party at Trophy Cupcakes in Wallingford where friends and readers gathered to mingle, talk parenting and eat cupcakes. Following the event I had a chance to reflect on all that went into both the book becoming a reality.

I went all the way back to the beginning of my own parenting journey. As a new mom, I found a lot of good information in many different forms of media including articles, blogs, websites, and books. But for all the wonderful snippets of information I was finding, it was extremely frustrating not to be able to have it handy when I needed it and I realized what I really wanted was to have the information in a consolidated, easy-to-read format.

What I found in sorting through the many books that crowd the parenting market,  was that most are slanted towards developmental milestones or focusing on specific issues (behavioral, eating, etc.).  I wanted information on strategies for how to parent and raise my children in a way I’d feel good about.

I reflected on what I had experienced in my own childhood and thought about the things I wanted to pass on to my children and the things I didn’t. I knew I didn’t have the tools to ensure I wouldn’t pass on the negative things to my children unless I understood where they stemmed from, what beliefs I held about myself and how to deal with them in a healthy way. This required me to seek professional help including that of a therapist, nutritionist and life coach. I wanted to share with other parents what I had learned by going through this process.

Much of the advice I had found available in books and articles also seemed very one-sided. There seemed to be the implication that if I didn’t subscribe to the advice being shared, than I was obviously not a good parent. I didn’t see what good it would do to put more material out in the market that would make parents second-guess themselves. I think there are a million different ways to have a successful parenting journey. What parents really need is to be aware that it’s a journey and have some inner self-reflection about what their part in that is and to be proactive about it. I wanted to provide parents with tools that would allow them to feel like they are more in control of what their parenting journey will be and what it will and won’t include.

As a result, my book was born. Much like a space shuttle launch, it took time and great care to create it. While there weren’t any obvious dangers around the launch, it was important to me that the book was thought-through, corroborated by other parents, complete and ready to take off.  I don’t know if I was prepared for what I felt at the launch party yesterday, I didn’t really know what to expect going into it. But what I saw and experienced felt pretty special.

May I Have Your Attention, Please

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We’ve had an unseasonably warm few days where I live.  The sun has been shining with temperatures reaching into the high 50s/low 60s; exceptionally nice for early February in Seattle. We couldn’t resist the urge to get the family outside to take advantage of the weather, so we headed to a neighborhood park.

Both of our kids love going to the park; our youngest son always seems to want to spend his time there picking up and dropping small rocks that line the playground floor. I often have to remind him to keep the rocks away from people and off the slide–he loves hearing the sound the rocks make as they crash down it.

Naturally, the park was full of families with children and pets this weekend, a wonderful thing to see. But there was something else in abundance at the park that wasn’t such a welcome sight: Smartphones. One Mom was talking on the phone while pushing her son in the swing, another was texting while standing near her child and yet another parent was sitting on a bench engrossed in whatever app he had running. The parents were there with their children, but not really present.

Smartphones and tablets and all the other impressive technological devices at our disposal these days make connecting with each other easier than ever. But are these connections occurring in a meaningful and authentic way?

There is a push in our society to be busy, or at least appear to be busy at all times—as if we weren’t busy enough without having to fake it.  The question is why?  Is it to impress other people around us? Do we feel like we aren’t good or important enough if we don’t seem to always be occupied? What messages are we sending other people with this constant flurry of meaningless electronic activity?  More importantly, what messages are we sending to our own children?

There will be those who claim that they’re so busy that this constant multi-tasking is the only way to get everything done; besides if their child is otherwise occupied it’s not a big deal and it’s no one’s business what they are doing with or how they spend their time.

I would argue that it does matter to our children how we spend our time. Children pay attention to these things, whether they verbalize it to us or not. By being engrossed in our electronic devices, are we unknowingly telling our children that they aren’t worth our dedicated, uninterrupted time?  That whatever we’re doing on our phone is more important than they are?And by constantly tuning out of what’s going on around us, are we really demonstrating how to make authentic and fulfilling connections with other human beings?

I walked over to a parent who was engrossed in their phone and whose child was playing with mine. I asked the parent how old their child was and it took a minute for the parent to realize I was talking to them. Once we made the connection, I went back to see what my son was up to. Sure enough, he was just about to put a handful of rocks down the slide. I called his name so he could hear me and said, “You’re not going to put those rocks down the slide are you?” He turned around to look for me. He’d seen me talking to the parent a moment earlier, and I suspect he thought I was still engaged with this and not paying attention to what he was up to. He had the biggest smile on his face. Not because he had gotten caught, but because he realized I had been paying attention.

What’s your policy on electronics when it comes to your kids?