Category Archives: Parenting Firsts

What is your child’s currency? What’s yours?

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We implemented a reward system for our boys when my oldest son was around three. For every task or chore he completed, we would reward him with a sticker. When he had accumulated ten stickers he could turn them in for a reward: a small toy, game or book. Rewards like these work to a certain degree with both children, but I’ve realized over time that there are other things my children value beyond these prizes—like watching TV and playing Legos—and that allotting them extra time for these things could be just as effective as a reward. My husband and I work hard to teach our children not only skills like reading and math but manners, responsibility and accountability. We also want to teach them confidence in their ability to get what they want via hard work.

When I was growing up, I was given an allowance starting around age seven. It was modest to begin with (fifty cents a week) and then over time it increased. By the time I was in high school, I was getting twenty dollars a week and was required to complete all of my household chores to receive it. I was also expected to spend my allowance wisely. My family was on a budget so there wasn’t additional “fun” money given out if I blew my twenty dollars. My dad did also give us a clothing allowance of seventy-five a month which was for everything: socks, undergarments, shirts, shoes, accessories, etc. which meant that if we wanted one hundred fifty dollar jacket, we had better save up for it! It really gave me an appreciation for the concept of earning money and spending it wisely.  When I look back on those years, it wasn’t the money that served as the biggest motivator but rather the expectations of my parents. My parents set a high bar and I was forced to work hard to meet it. In the end, I really learned something about my own values and abilities and it gave me a tremendous sense of self-confidence.

With my children, I continue to ask myself if the reward system we’re using is working. Our children’s currency won’t always be stickers, TV, books or games (though some may stay in rotation for a long while). We’ll have to continue to understand what our children’s currency is and adjust accordingly. More importantly, we need to set the right expectations and be consistent—not always easy to do when we’re all so busy.

It got me thinking about what currency I use for rewarding myself as an adult. We look to different things as rewards as adults: a bigger paycheck, more time with our spouse or children, maybe just more time for ourselves. And often, (just like we learned to do as children) we feel best about these rewards when we feel we’ve done something to earn them.

Just as we have to understand what really motivates our children to be able to teach them responsibility and hard work, so do we need to understand what motivates us.

What are the rewards that really matter to you and what are you doing to get them? What is the cost (monetary, mental or emotional) for the things you want? How hard are you willing to work?

None of these are easy questions to answer, but they’re important ones. Know your child’s currency and better understand them; know your own currency and better understand yourself.

When I Get Older What Will I Be?

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When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother “What will I be?”

“Will I be pretty?”

“Will I be rich?”

Here’s what she said to me

Que Sera Sera

Whatever will be will be

The future’s not ours to see

Que Sera Sera

 I loved the song Que Sera Sera the first time I heard it, and still do today. It was the melody I really enjoyed when I was younger but I didn’t put much thought into the lyrics.

My oldest son asked me a very simple but poignant question the other day on the car ride home that brought this song to mind. “Mom,” he asked, apropos of nothing, “what will I be like when I’m an adult?” I have no idea why this question popped into his mind when it did, we’d just finished talking about some of the fun things we’d each done during the day. But such is the way with children’s minds.

I turned the question back on him: “Well,” I asked him, “what makes you who you are today?” He struggled to answer the question so I offered up some of my own observations. “You are curious and like to learn about new things, right?” “Yes,” he said. “And you like to have adventures, right?” “Yes,” he said again. “And you like to play with your friends and have fun, right?” “Yes,” he agreed once more. “Well, I think you’ll probably have those same qualities when you grow up,” I said. “You may learn things, have adventures and interact with your friends in a different way, but you’ll probably do all the things you do now.” I continued, “You have your whole life to figure out what you want to be, and Mom and Dad will help you along the way.” That seemed to be enough for him. He smiled to himself and looked back out the car window.

I love that my son is starting to discover who he is and what he likes and think about what that all may mean for the future. I love that he feels more knowledgeable and empowered to figure out what makes him happy. I’m aware that he is likely at some point to want to experience things I might not be comfortable with, or would prefer he avoid. He will eventually turn into a teenage boy after all. I’m mentally preparing myself for how I’ll be able to support him during those times but for now we’re just basking in the beginning of our adventure.

After all we never do know what the future brings. Que Sera Sera.

Ca-Click

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How do you feel when you have a special moment in your life?  A moment that you can recognize as special while it’s happening, that you want to remember for as long as you’re able?  For me, I try to be still, to take it all in and take a mental picture, attempting to remember every detail from what I can see visually, and also what I feel emotionally. Ca-click.

I have a surplus of these memories from my childhood—BBQs at a neighbors’ house, relatives or friends visiting from out of town, road trips to new places. Luckily I was able to add to my mental memory scrapbook just this past Memorial Day weekend. My husband, two boys and I headed out of town for the long weekend. My husband and I were somewhat adventurous with our plans for the family—camping one night, hiking the next day, visiting a museum, and finishing up with another hike on the final day.  We wanted the children to have a new experience, something that they will hopefully remember for a long time.

I have to admit, I was preparing myself for the trip to not be 100% enjoyable. We’d never camped with the kids and we honestly didn’t know how they would do. We’d hiked with them before but only briefly; we’d never done an hours-long hike like the one we were planning. We knew the museum would go over well because we had been there before and know it has a fantastic children’s playground. Still the fact remained that there was a considerable variety of things that could go awry. What my husband and I agreed on was to be very flexible (much more so than we normally are) and to be prepared for the worst.

Lo and behold, there was an unexpected storm–thunder and lightning included–that hit during our night of camping. Thankfully it only momentarily dampened the picture-perfect trip we hoped for; it quickly passed and the trip was all uphill from there. In the end it was a huge success. There were many times my husband and I looked at each other knowing just how special it was. We were enjoying our trip, and more importantly enjoying each other.

The children hiked 4 ½ miles the day following our night of camping.  The waterfalls along the trail were amazing; they were going at full blast. Our oldest son saw us taking pictures and asked if he could take one. He hadn’t tried out a camera before.  He snapped one picture, then another. You could see the delight on his face at his accomplishment. It was almost like he knew he would remember this trip as much by the picture as the mental memory that had just taken form. Ca-click.

 

Pictures with Santa

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The holiday season brings with it the annual tradition of taking the kids to get pictures with Santa. This activity can elicit a range of emotions for you and your child, from joy and excitement to fear and dread.

When my boys reached their toddler years, I couldn’t wait for them to get their pictures taken with Santa. In advance of the outing each year, I would envision my desired end result: a festive picture of them smiling from ear-to-ear. But it became clear in the early years that achieving my vision wouldn’t be as easy as I’d hoped. Instead of my children cheerfully embracing the stranger in red and white, they were terrified (in retrospect, perhaps understandably) and didn’t want to be anywhere near Santa. This happened multiple years in a row. One year, one of my children didn’t want to sit with Santa and could only be comforted by being held. I was so committed to getting a picture of the kids with Santa that my husband and I ended up in the picture with him. After the photographer took the picture, I thought ‘what am I doing? This is not what I wanted!’ While my husband had tolerated my quest to get the picture over the years, he gently reminded me of something valuable that day by asking me why I needed a picture of the kids with Santa so badly. Was it for me or for the kids? No one wants to be forced to do something, let alone fake enjoying it, if it’s not really what they want to do.

Upon reflection, I realized that I really just wanted them to have the experience of meeting Santa and thought the photo would be a good memento of it. I decided going forward that I wouldn’t subject my husband or children to pictures with Santa again, unless everyone involved was excited about it.

The Santa debacle prompted me to examine whether or not there are other areas in which I might be trying to force my hopes and desires on my children. I’ve sometimes wondered if putting them in various activities, soccer, swimming, gym, etc, is more for their benefit or mine. I want our children to have experiences that allow them to reach their full potential, but I need to not to let my desire to see them succeed get the best of me. What if my child excels at soccer, but doesn’t enjoy it or want to play on the team anymore? Then who is he doing it for? I believe that following my husband’s advice and asking who an activity really benefits is a good way to keep myself in check.

This year, we took the children to see Santa again. Our youngest wasn’t so sure about the whole thing and kept his distance. Our oldest, however, was eager to talk to and sit with Santa. We got the picture we wanted, albeit only with the one child. And even though our youngest didn’t want to be in the picture, he did warm up at the end of our time there and gave Santa a high five on the way out. It was a good experience and a memory we’ll all be able to cherish.

Parenting Firsts

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When I first became a parent, I was struck by how many firsts I encountered during the first few years of my child’s life. There was the first time I changed a diaper, gave my child a bath, took him for a haircut, dropped him off at school and so on. Some of the first times were a little bit upsetting for me: I didn’t like seeing my child cry when I gave them his first bath or his first haircut and then I was the one crying when I first dropped him off at school. Other firsts were more exciting for me–things we’d planned for and couldn’t wait for our children to experience. Seeing our children take their first steps, learning new things (numbers, letters, reading and math), and participating in an activity that didn’t require my husband or I to be in the pool or on the field with them.

How many of us have had a first event or outing planned for our child that didn’t go quite as we’d hoped?

We recently came back from our first true family vacation. Though we’ve been on trips to visit family before, this was the first time we were going to have a family vacation with just the four of us. I have been carefully preparing this trip since my oldest, now six, was about two years old. I grew up in Florida and knew we had to get the kids to Disney World in Orlando at some point. We wanted to take them when they were old enough to enjoy it and more importantly would be able to remember it: for $75 a kid, you need them to remember it!

While we’ve been planning the details of our trip for some time, we decided we wouldn’t tell the kids we were taking them to Disney World until we were closer to our vacation date. Their birthdays are close together and landed a few weeks in advance of our departure date, so we figured that would be the perfect time to tell them. The morning we decided to finally spill the beans was carefully planned. We put a pair of mouse ears at each of their places at the breakfast table, and we had the computer cued up to play a Disney video that would show them all the fun and magical things kids can experience there.

I woke the kids up with much anticipation. While I wasn’t sure what their initial reaction would be, I was expecting something along the lines of exhilaration, shrieks of joy, or at least big smiles on their faces. I got none of the above. They were mildly interested in the mouse ears, but their response to hearing the news that we were going to Disney World ranged from ”I don’t want to go!” to “That sounds boring!” This was not what I was prepared for. Years of planning down the drain! I was distraught but my husband was actually chuckling when the kids expressed their dismay at having to go.

Thankfully, once the kids started telling their friends about the trip and everyone told them how much fun they would have, they started to warm up to the idea. By the time we arrived at our hotel, Wilderness Lodge, (a great family spot) the kids were pretty excited.

In addition to this being our first family trip and our first time to Disney World, this was also our first time sleeping all four of us in one hotel room. My husband and I weren’t sure what to expect. Would the kids get any sleep? Would my husband and I? It reminded me of when the boys were infants and we were on pins and needles waiting for them to wake us up in the middle of the night. I also reflected with a great deal of gratitude on what my parents dealt with when they took my sisters and I on trips growing up. The trip and sleeping arrangements ended up going about as well as we could have hoped–we slept through the night for the most part and figured out how to share a room as a family for the first time together.

Our days at the park and in Orlando were pretty magical. There were many highlights including It’s a Small World, the Electrical Light Parade on the water, and all the fun things the kids could do at our hotel, and many firsts for my children, but also for my husband and I. We not only survived our first family trip and lived to tell the tale, but have a memory we’ll treasure forever!

What parenting firsts have been most special for you?